YSHSTY

One of my favorite movies of all time. engaging… and keeps you on the edge of your seat. Its pretty freakin’ long… like most James Cameron features, but I promise you the payoff is worth it. plus Ed Harris is one of the best actors of our time. Check it out

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

“get your hands off me you dirty ape!”- yes…someone does say that in this movie…and I’m pretty sure it was Draco Malfoy!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I will proceed to Give you ten reasons why you should go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes:

 1.   ORIGINAL

OK…in all fairness this is the seventh film in a series that began all the way yonder in 1968. And, this story is familiar to us, as a precautionary tale about the proclivity of man to create things that ultimately destroy us. However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that this type of story hasn’t been seen, and done this well, amidst a summer full of super heroes and ROMCOMs (romantic comedies), which makes it as original as summer blockbusters can get nowadays.

 2.   GOOD SCREENPLAY

The story here is solid as every character is given some semblance of humanity…even the apes. Everyone who goes to see this film, knows how it ends. That type of notion, can make a film fail easily. Though some moments can get a bit campy, this film keeps you engaged from beginning to end on the journey…not the destination. <—and this makes a film worth the watch.

3.    DOESN’T TREAT YOU LIKE AN IDIOT

Let’s face it, most Hollywood blockbusters think that all you want as an audience is sex, drugs and explosions. And while the apes are altered by drugs, and there’s plenty of action..the story and character development are the main attraction here, not all that flashy non substance.

4.    HAIL CAESAR

Andy Serkis (Gollum ‘LOTR’, King Kong) gives a riveting and intense performance as Caesar, a chimp with superior intelligence thanks to the genetic mutations passed on from his mother, who was the subject of a test drug (ALZ-112) created to cure Alzheimer’s. He’s portrayal of an ape battling with his primal existence and his notion of what it means to be human, is the captivating element that drives the movie. All without -for the most part- talking.

5.    USE OF THE CAST

Save Tom Felton, who is pretty much the biggest asshole of the movie, there is no central villain. From the way the previews hint at the plot, you would think the apes are the antagonist, but they are kind of the heroes… so clearly the humans are the evil ones and must be over thrown, right? actually the people aren’t necessarily evil either. James Franco plays Will, a man whose father (played very well by John Lithgow) is suffering greatly from Alzheimer’s. Will just wants to cure his father, and the rest of the world for that matter. The rest of the cast doesn’t have as deep an investment, but they do just enough to fuel the emotion of the story.

6.    SPECIAL EFFECTS

The motion capture technology is pretty awesome here, as I found myself forgetting that I was watching an actor instead of a real chimp. This is also the first time that a motion capture suit was used live on the actual set instead of in a studio in front of a green screen. It worked pretty awesomely, especially when the apes and humans stand off on the Golden Gate bridge.

7.    IT’S NOT IN 3D

NO GLASSES…AWESOME…nuff said

8.    ITS GOT HEART

It’s not heavy enough that you cant enjoy it with the family…kids will enjoy the primates..plenty of action for the dudes, and a father/son relationship that has the heart of a lifetime movie…ok maybe not that sappy.

9.    ALMOST BELIEVABLE

The movie is even good enough that you almost want the apes to completely take over the planet. And with the cool CGI, a very decent plot, and pretty good actors…you leave the theater feeling..”hmm, I wonder how I’ll react when this Actually happens”…but then you start to deconstruct some sequences and its back to reality. But the time in the theater will most certainly keep you on the edge of your seat.

10.  ITS NOT LONG…AND THATS GOOD

If you take away the credits, this film is barely more than 90 minutes long. However, that doesn’t hinder the film. It moves along, and in the parts that it may drag a little, the struggles of Caesar carry you onward. It works for those with the short attention span, and its got enough juice to keep the thinkers interested.

Over all I’d say this movie is:

PASTEURIZED-GRADE A Milky

Arguably the best movie of the summer. Interesting, fun, and it re-sparked my interest in the franchise..I’d say that’s a good time at the cinema.

*I watched the movie and only talked in the theater like 3 times…it definitely had my attention lol

THIS MOVIE ↓↓↓

is FUCKING TERRIBLE….

«< RANCID!!!

acting…shitty

totally ignores the source material…mispronunciation of the MAIN CHARACTER’S name?!

and the plot was fucking stupid…..how you ask? when the show was so awesome and all they had to do was summarize?  

well folks…the answer is simple….

«this guy is mentally challenged behind a camera.

COWBOYS & ALIENS

Firstly I would just like to point out that I predicted this movie would totally not suck! And for the record I was right… in my opinion.

Secondly this movie was good for several reasons, but mainly because it stuck to the conventions of an old fashioned western. Except in this lone ranger tale, we face off against extra terrestrials rather than barbaric native americans (although Favreau doesn’t let us down in the feather wearing, bow wielding, HEYHOWAYA natives)

Synapsis: Based on a graphic Novel of the same title, Cowboys & Aliens takes place in Arizona in the late 1800’s…you know, cowboy years. A loner, named Jake Lonergan (see what they did there?), awakes in the desert with no recollection of who he is or how he got there. Lonergan (Daniel Craig) also has a pecular metallic device attached to his arm that he cannot remove. After wandering into a strange new town, Jake stifles the town punk, Percy (Paul Dano), finds out he’s a wanted man, and nearly escapes the law. All while being slightly stalked by a beautifully mysterious women (Olivia Wilde). As Jake and Percy are about to get sent to the judge, Percy’s father, Colonel Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) comes to retrieve his misguided offspring. Now all this in and of itself is a pretty good plot. BUT WAIT…THERES MORE. While all of this is going down, Jake’s mysterious bracelet lights up. look, up in the sky. its a bird. its a plane. its… ALIENS?! LET THE MADNESS BEGIN.

Most, if not all, of the actors in this film play their roles straight, which keeps the premise borderline believable. Even (and I’m cringing to say it) Noah Ringer, did a decent job as a scared kid tagging along for the adventure.

Favreau’s direction is a slight nod to both the western and sic-fi genres. But he keeps the entire movie more grounded in the experiences of the cast.

Craig and Ford, are gritty and cool, while Wilde is not only great looking, but interesting in her role ::deletes spoiler:: The only issue I had with the movie was that the aliens didn’t play any other role but the menacing villain..and for some that might be enough..for others they might want to more about their origins and purpose.

overall I’d say that this film is:

PASTEURIZED: GRADE B- Refrigerator Cool 

The Aliens are pretty one dimensional, but the cowboys make this a pretty fun ride.

*anyone who knows me, knows I HATE westerns…so take it from me that this is a decent flick

and I’ve seen every motion picture this summer so I’ve got a WHOLE lot of pasteurizing to do! 

*GOT MILK?

sorry for the abscence folks!! my computer situation was superbly sub par! and the tumblr from the phone is not too great for writing long post…but I’m going to just have to tough it out! FOR THE LOVE OF MOVIES! great to be back! 

*popcorn anyone?

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

This weeks Pasteurized feature is Transformers: Dark of the Moon. So lets get right to it: this is easily the most exhausting film of the franchise, with a runtime of 153 minutes. ( just over two and a half hours)… It’s a pretty long movie. With that said, this is also the BEST film of the saga. 

Correcting his shortcomings from the trash compacting, visual kaleidoscope that was Revenge of the Fallen, Michael Bay puts together a film thats much more easy to watch, especially in IMAX 3D. It’s even a film with some semblance of a plot, a decent plot at that. 

Synapsis: The NASA moon landing was actually a cover up mission to explore a crashed AutoBot ship on the dark side of the moon ::I see what they did there:: …Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) saved the world twice, but still cant find a job…but at least his NEW girlfriend is hot! Despite the hotness, however, the Decepticons are back and have a plot to f*&% up man kind, and chicago is ground zero for the beginning of our doom.

Shia is still an awesome human factor, but we all know that the reason we check these movies out are the robots…you know, the ones the TRANSFORM. And they do it awesomely in this flick, but  whats even better is that the robots emotions actually take a part in the film, and there not devoid of any substance. The kills, robot and human alike, are way more brutal in this flick, and when they happen you feel it.

…Most people who hate transformers, will not change…so I won’t beat around the bush with much more crazy details, because they probably wont see it anyway. But for those who are interested I’ve got a wrap up for you after the jump:

 Sentinel  Prime looking OG cool

THE GOOD: 

+Bay lets your eyes adjust way better this time around, as the visuals are amazing to look at from start to finish, with longer shots and less sporadic cuts of the metallic mayhem. 

+We finally see Optimus kick uber robot ass the way we know he should.

+Its pretty funny, less racist, and its just downright cool most of the time.

+the 3D is very well done, and makes Green Lantern look like it was shot in 92’

+Sentinel Prime is voiced by Spock!

THE BAD: 

-The movie’s length proves tiresome by the film’s end. Though you leave half enthralled by all the action, you loose all of the secretive plot build up. Not to say it doesn’t pay off…just not as well as it should have. 

-As a slap in Meagan Fox’s gorgeous face, Bay gives Sam’s new love interest Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (who is a far better actress by the way) much screen time. And, while she does a better job, her function adds that cliche of Sam defying incredible odds (even displaying impromptu Parkour abilities) to rescue her, amidst total destruction and chaos. 

-some of the cameos and additions to the plot kind of hinder the story, but not enough for it to loose it’s complete focus. 

overall I’d say that this film is:

PASTEURIZED: Grade B- Refrigerator cool

It’s the best film of the franchise, its loud, its cool…and its just good ol summer fun at the movies

*make sure you see it in 3d, its worth the extra cash…or you can buy a regular ticket and sneak in the 3d with your glasses you still saved from watching Green Lantern..maybe now they’ll be put to good use?

Everytime I rate a movie, I do quirky things with milk….since this is MOOOOOOveyZone. so if there is a bad film out there…say…The Happening or The Last Airbender (both M. Night Shyamalan films, and I don’t think thats a coincide)…when there is a film that bad you will see this:  

Pasteurized: RANCID…do no try!!!

*just a heads up

Bad Teacher

This Week’s Pasteurized feature is Bad Teacher starring Cameron Diaz, Jason Segal and Justin Timberlake.

Elizabeth Halsey (Diaz) is a teacher, who hates everything about teaching. She’s a gold digging hottie who just wants a rich man to sweep her off her feet so she can splurge and be care free. After her fiance dumps her, she sets her sight on a new super rich substitute teacher, Scott(Timberlake). She is so bent on getting Scott’s attention that she decides to get a boob job… but new tits are quite expensive (ten grand to be exact). But she’ll get those breast…by any means breastessary. Crazy Idea…why not become a better teacher to get more money to get bigger boobs? bingo!  now sir, you’ve got yourself a film!

Though the plot isn’t literary genius, and the writing is sub par..Bad Teacher works. The cast is funny, and Cameron has a presence that keeps you glued to the screen. The film uses a false sense of edginess and raunch masked by a few breast, sex talk and F bombs. But I still found myself chuckling. 

I wouldn’t say to run out to theaters to see this one, its definitely more of a rental flick. However, if you find yourself in theaters, it wont be a complete waste, and I’m sure you wont leave the theaters upset. Bad Teacher isn’t as bad as it claims to be, but it made me laugh, as I’m sure it will you. 

trust me this film is:

PASTEURIZED: Grade B- Refrigerator cool

Definitely worth a rental…but if you find yourself looking for a flick to catch a few laughs..it wont be a terrible choice.

*She might not teach you anything, but its still a fun time at school

ADJUSTMENT BUREAU

A movie that went relatively under the radar, The Adjustment Bureau was a film that I found quite entertaining. The dilemma: the movie boils down to be a bit cheesy. But is that really a problem? Actually, no. The problem is that this movie was branded in the shadow of Inception and therefore came off very wrong. This movie is far from the Nolan flick, not because it isn’t as good (and it isn’t), but because it is a romance movie framed within a science fiction. It is not a movie about ideals of universal ordinance vs. serendipity…that is just a plot device. This movie is about Two people who love each other, and their longing to achieve that goal.

Now had it been marketed that way, I’m sure the result of reaction would have been “well gee, this chick flick is pretty darn good.”

So watch this movie with the idea that it wont blow your mind like Inception..but it will be a good movie to watch with your significant other.

*sometimes a simple love story works… love never needs much adjustment

OFTEN I INTEND TO BRING YOU A FILM PREDICTION FOR A MOVIE I THINK WILL COMPLETELY NOT SUCK.

This one features one of my all time crushes- Zoe Saldana.

Columbiana is the story of a women who witnessed her family murdered as an innocent child, who grows up to become a vengeful assassin. this movie seems to match Zoe in her apparent  level of Hotness!

I just pray I’m right!

OFTEN I INTEND TO BRING YOU A FILM PREDICTION FOR A MOVIE I THINK WILL COMPLETELY NOT SUCK.

Lets face it… Transformers 2 was colorful…but it was a terrible movie. But…I Still enjoyed the heck out of it. BUTTT, Dark of the Moon looks like it is seeking to improve on Bay’s previous shortcomings and capitalize on what made the original movie so dam AWESOME. This movie looks nothing shy of an uber cool time in the cineplex!

*lets just pray to the Allspark powered gods of Cybertron that I’m right. 

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS.

A deliciously clever time travel movie, written and directed by Woody Allen. It’s one of his Best films in years.

Its about a man named Gil (Owen Wilson) who is struggling to find his niche as a novelist. He is utterly in love with the city of paris, and the rich ideas and culture that surround. His fiancée Inez (Rachel McAdams), on the other hand, could care less. She wants him to keep writing Hollywood Screenplays to keep the money coming in.

While visiting Inez’s parents in Paris on business, Gil is reintroduced to his long lost love, the parisian landscape- rich in texture, and history, and visuals, the city seems to come alive for Gil. Gil starts to ignore Inez for midnight strolls to admire and immerse himself in the city. As a result, Inez becomes more Smitten with her friend Paul, who is well versed in the arts, as well as an expert in the art of pretentious douchebaggery. All this (on top of the fact that Inez’s parents hate Gil) ways less heavy on Gil’s mind than the fact that he feels the 00’s are the wrong time for him. If only he were a writer in the 1920’s…one of the greatest times in history, in one of history’s greatest cities…

let the comedic time traveling ensue. 

On a drunken night, while taking one of his midnight strolls, Gil finds himself in the back of a 1920’s motor-car chatting with F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife.

As the liquor wares off, he begins to realize he’s been magically whisked away to paris in the 20’s. He talks to several of his literary heroes, who even lead him in a better direction for his writing. 

I wont give away much more than that, as the way the story unfolds is apart of it’s charm. Is Gil really time traveling every evening at midnight, or is it all just his imagination? 

I think this film is quite good in that it offers an idea about nostalgia and how it effects the way we might live our lives if we become too enamored with it, while not being too abrasive with the message. Allen also offers ideas about whose opinion is more important to one’s work, and what type of criticism is necessary for growth devoid of ridicule.

It’s funny, thoughtful, and will let you see paris as a magical place. Not to mention all of the actors are great in their roles. (Adrein Brody is hilarious as one of my favorite painters of all time, Salvidor Dali.)

Check it out, while it’s still in theaters. It’s a really good date movie.

*this is the first smart comedy I’ve seen in theaters in ages, (except for maybe Bridesmaids) and I’m glad I saw it. 

OFTEN I INTEND TO BRING YOU A FILM PREDICTION FOR A MOVIE I THINK WILL COMPLETELY NOT SUCK.

This time, I’ve got my money on Cowboys & Aliens. This film is the latest from Jon Favreau, director of Iron Man, and produced by Steven Spielberg.

ok so a movie where James Bond AND Indiana Jones are cowboys…theres a really hot chick, and its a gritty looking western…sounds pretty good. Now take all that and collide it with an ALIEN INVASION…well my friends…that sounds like sweet sweet movie nectar!

let’s just pray I’m right